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Our family, my mom, big brother darren,
little brother john and me |
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Our family with my grandma added.
I think I am like 4 or 5 in this picture |
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Me again! 3rd grade, you can't really tell
but I have a missing front tooth. |
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| Me, oh my hair, and smile 4th grade |
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| My birth mom |
I received a lot of pictures from my big brother yesterday. Picture of me young, pictures of my brothers, pictures of my mom. At first view of them I was excited and a bit horrified at some of the hair styles that my mom put on me :), but also at a lose. I don't remember a lot of my life before the age of 11, only the really bad things. And today after seeing them a hundred times, because they are sitting on my office table, I just feel sad. Sad because I lost a family so long ago, sad because so many horrible things happened that I rather forget than remember anything at all. Sad because I really have no memories not even good ones of my life back then. Sadness because I don't remember my mom, not any part of her, only what pictures show, I don't remember her voice, I don't know if she ever laughed, I don't remember her ever saying my name. It's been 20 years and I still miss her, and I am sure always will and some days are just so much worse than others. Today, is that kind of day. My mom didn't know the Lord and I know that I will never see her again, that she didn't have the hope of heaven that I have, and that makes my heart ache much more than anything else. I look back on my life and it was hard and I have come so far and recovered from so much and it still floors me, everyday and in every way to see how my Lord rescued me. It took two deaths, my Lord's and my mothers to get me where I am today. If my Lord hadn't died for me I would be lost forever and if my mom would not have died I would have been lost forever in this life. I am forever grateful for these two deaths though one was so hard to bare, but because of one I was able to survive the other. I am so blessed and honored to be a mom myself and have the privilege of raising not one but the blessing of 6 wonderful boys. I am grateful to be the wife of an incredible man who loves God, loves me, and loves our 6 boys more than anything else in the world, though not all of us were in his original plan. Not to give you all a down day, but I just wanted to share a bit of my heart and how great our God really is. Though things in our life are hard, unbelievable, unfair, scary, there is a God and he is there. There is joy in the morning, there is a promise telling us he knows our plans, and he will take care of us, and that we will join him again. I am so grateful for these promises and so many more, and want all of you to hold on to that today. Though you don't feel like it, Jesus is carrying you, he is crying with you, and he will bless you, take care of you and give you so much more than you can even imagine. I know, I lived it, time and time again in my life. Our God doesn't fail, and he doesn't make mistakes! He loves us more than anything, more than his own life, and I lucky to be his daughter! A true father and family to the fatherless and family-less!!
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| My family!! |
