I started this blog post awhile back (April I think), but didn't have the right words, I still don't to be honest, but still wanted to share. It's a bit of rambling so hang with me.
Today I went from just one son with Autism to two. Two boys, not very apart in age, but worlds apart in the timing of their diagnosis and worlds apart on where they lie on the ASD scale. I think I'm still shock a bit, not over the diagonals per-say, but the timing. The feeling of guilt runs deep, that one son, the oldest, who was just more severe, needed more time and attention, clouded me to the second who, while just as far behind, however didn't have some of the more classic signs, but still had more going on than what met the eye. Behind, just behind, that's where we've have lived for the last 12 years, he's hanging in there, but with some difficulty. My boys lived very similar childhoods, because John was behind, it was assumed that's why James was behind, because his model was behind. They both had speech and OT, they both were in school starting at 3 years of age, both always on an IEP, John just with a diagnosis and James with out. So I know in my heart, and even through the reassurance of those that tested James, an earlier diagnosis most likely would not have changed anything. I did all I could for him with out even the diagnosis of Autism. Just having my heart hold to that truth is a little more difficult.
John and James are two of the most different kids in the world, how could they both fit on this scale? Well I guess that question is actually the answer. This Autism Spectrum is so vast, covering such a difference of people. I've always heard it said if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism, each one so different. Yet as I have two living side by side, it's hard to wrap my brain around. But here we are, two incredible guys, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, and one mom trying to understand even just a little of it.
As James has gotten older, we've realized he is having some deep struggles, socially, academically, also with anxiety and worry, etc. It prompted a talk with our pediatrician, who though it wise for us to first fill out the preliminary autism paper work. So we did, turned it in, and because of it's score we were sent to children's hospital for official testing. After a bit on the waiting list (about a year) and actually not much though about it, we got our call back for out appointment which was last week. It was weird, I knew the questions, I've been through the drill, but as a mother of a itty bitty one (John was 5 when he got his official diagnosis) and a mother of a almost teen, is so surreal. It almost feels like two moms, two kids, two different situations, but it's not. It's still me, the one who has for the most of my adult life, understood phases/words like Autism, weighted blankets, ABA, OT, Speech, Cognitive development, IEP, the list goes on and on. Here with another son, in such a different state of life, was draining and continues to be hard to wrap my brain and heart around. During this testing I had to think all the way back to when James was a baby and toddler, his first time in school, all of the programs he was in, and all of his recent actions, things that were concerning but as I talked about them and they got a full picture of who our James is, really already had me thinking they were coming back with Autism Diagnosis, even though up to that point, the thought had not even entered my mind, crazy. So much knowledge on a subject, yet so lost.
So today, today I have have 6 amazing little men to care for, 1 with some academic special needs and 2 with all around special needs. I don't know why, and I don't even begin to have all the answers. Every road the Lord has led me on in my life, causes me to question him with the Whys? I don't get it, I never have, but I guess I don't have to. That's why he's my Lord, my God, my Father, my constant. From all I went through as a little girl, to teenage struggles, marriage broken, new life, new children, new everything, God has been good to me, that I know, even if I don't know anything else!!
And I'm so thankful, and as difficult/bad/crazy/frighting, etc my life has been, I've had more joy, and a knowledge and love of my Lord that I would not other wise had if my life would have been "normal".
Be encouraged with what ever the Lord has given you, what ever path your life has taken, with what ever daily struggles God leads you through. Jeremiah 29:11, still blesses me every day, "For I know the plans I have for you".......
I just got this great shirt based on this verse that says "He knows the plans so I don't have too". Amen to that!!!
